GARY COLEMAN
Right now you are
down and out and
feeling really crappy
NICKY
I'll say.
GARY COLEMAN
And when I see how
sad you are
it sort of makes me...
happy!
NICKY
Happy?!
GARY COLEMAN
Sorry, Nicky, human nature --
nothing I can do!
It's...
schadenfreude!
Making me feel glad
that I'm not you!
(spoken)
NICKY
Well that's not very nice, Gary!
GARY COLEMAN
I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it!
(sung)
D'ja ever clap when a
waitress falls and drops
a tray of glasses?
NICKY
Yeah...
GARY COLEMAN
And it ain't it fun to
watch figure skaters
falling down on their asses?
NICKY
Sure!
GARY COLEMAN
And don'tcha feel all
warm and cozy,
watching people
out in the rain!
NICKY
You bet!
GARY COLEMAN
That's...
GARY AND NICKY
Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN
People taking pleasure in your pain!
(spoken)
NICKY
Oh, schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?
GARY COLEMAN
Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"
NICKY
"Happiness at the misfortune of others." That IS German!
(sung)
Watching a vegetarian
being told she just
ate chicken
GARY COLEMAN
Or watching a
frat boy realize
just what he put his dick in!
NICKY
Being on an elevator
when somebody shouts
"Hold the door!"
GARY AND NICKY
"NO!"
Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN
"Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"
NICKY
Oooh, how about...
Straight-A students getting Bs?
GARY COLEMAN
Exes getting STDs!
NICKY
Waking doormen from their naps!
GARY COLEMAN
Watching tourists reading maps!
NICKY
Football players getting tackled!
GARY COLEMAN
CEOs getting shackled!
NICKY
Watching actors never reach
GARY AND NICKY
The ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN
The world needs people like you and me
who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us,
they don't want to be us,
and that makes them feel great.
NICKY
Sure! We provide a vital service to society!
GARY AND NICKY
You and me! Schadenfreude!
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
to be!
GARY COLEMAN
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!
